This post is very dear to me and somewhat emotional. It is not a sad post or anything dramatic, but something to help you appreciate life like I have. So lets start to THINK RED while you’re reading this entry. Also, February 6,2014 is Wear Red Day for Women’s Heart Disease, so please wear red in honor of someone who has any kind of disease to the heart. After you read my story, you will see why I THINK RED. I started to THINK RED when I returned from my trip from Philadelphia. I will begin this story with this.. Something which is on my old blog, but I am going to copy and paste here to understand the story. On July 28, 2013, I was doing a RL photography shoot (Yes, I am a rl photographer :-p) with a family. Then I noticed that I was having sharp chest pains, but I just kept going. The pain has gotten worse and just unbearable so I took an aspirin and took a nap. I woke up feeling worse then I checked my blood pressure and realized it was 210/164. Feeling dizzy and just wanted to pass out, I was urged by my family and some of my SL family/friends to go to hospital. I got the ER and they noticed how I leaning and how I was holding my chest. My daughter said, “My mom has chest pains.” I was rushed back and did a series of tests and also got my pressure down. The ER doctor told me that my Echo came back abnormal and I needed to be referred to a cardiologist. The ER doctor said you have to go at 8:00am because my echo looked horrid. It was like 2:00am when I gotten home and had to get back up for the appointment. Walking in the hospital where I was born in and the fear of dying here crossed my mind. The irony of that made my skin boiled. When I got in the cardiologist, I noticed that I was the younger person there and even the secretary asked me if I am bringing my parent. I was like no, I am coming for myself. Well, got the back and waited for the cardiologist and waited until a male walked in and introduced him self. He was really cool and was like you are too young to have an echo like that honey, what is stressing you? We discussed a variety of subjects, my job, my photography, lacrosse, and how I was a college athlete. After we talked, he said, ” I am going to do a heart cath.” My facial expression just dropped. I started to tear up but I held back because my daughter was there. I went to the waiting room to wait so I can schedule the procedure and I started to cry to the point that I was just hurting all over.” I felt so weak and felt like I was disappointment my kid because I was crying and I just couldn’t accept the fact that it I was getting to the peak of aging with my diagnosis (which I am not going to talk about). I went back to the back and the nurse said we need to admit you now because he is afraid that I might have a heart attack. I asked, please allow me to go home and I come back in the a.m. with my family because I didn’t want to leave her alone. I went home got my business in ordered and OMG, I cooked alot because I could not have food after midnight. So I ate up a storm. Forwarding the story a bit, got to the hospital and got on the cardio floor. The first thing i heard was you are the second youngest person here on the floor today, we will make you neighbors. I got in the room and started to talk to some of my SL friends especially Brendan as he talked to me on video chat, looking my best. I started to smile while I was getting prepped. It was so embarrassing going to prep because the guy was a nurse and he had to my wax area just to wax it again. My time came and I was rolled to the room and I got nervous. When I nervous, I tend to go to bathroom alot. I know TMI.. But, I do.. But I wanted the opportunity to go back to my room to hug my kid. I got back in the room and started to cry again. I cried and I cried.. Luckily they allowed my mom to come back to calm me down before they put me in the room to get me completely ready. I was talking the nurses and showed me what they were going to do and then I was out. I woke up laying flat and unsure what happened and why I am feeling this way. My mom just come to me to kiss my head and said you were sick, baby, I am happy we got you in. I was still out of it and I was like huh. Well, the doctor came in and told me my heart was stiffening up and i was days from a heart attack and I needed stents. The pain was my heart hitting my chest cavity. I was like wow and just turned my head. I was mad and upset that my body wanted to do things that I was not ready for. I remained over night and I was tired as hell when I got home. But, I had to stay with my brother since it was easier for me to access things. Walking up stairs tiring and just doing anything in general just tiring. I do have the diagnosis of having a failing heart, but I am not going to claim it.
Update- Months has past and I am still in denial, BUT I am accepting and moving on. I have switch jobs which appeared to help alot with my stress level and more time for me. About 3 weeks ago, I started to have problems again and finally got an answer on what is causing my heart issues. I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy. Yes, finally a name of it. I am scared, heck yeah. However, it does explain alot of what is going on with me and my body from the constant fatigue and edema . It is just sigh of relief than anything else. I know, I have a long road ahead of me including trial/errors of medication and surgery again (which I am planning soon). I have one thing that is worth fighting for and that is my RL daughter, who is my world and I am truly blessed to have her. I am just ready to get back to me. I am tired of the water weight and being tired all the time. A smile can only hide so much from what I am feeling inside, but what I love peope who tell me you are always happy and a bundle of joy. Most definitely put a a smile on my face. Again, I am appreciative for all the support from both R/SL love ones. Even though, I am pretty much to myself when I am logged. I know their spirit and their heart are with me during this time. That is my heart journey. FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND LEAVE YOUR STORY OR JUST LEAVE A COMMENT FOR SUPPORT AND YOUR THOUGHTS.
Until Next Time, Tosha B.
STYLE CARD
dress: Pure Poison – Valentina Gown, hair: ^;^CaTwA^;^ Amanda Roots/Chocolate, gloves: Miamai_Rilla Satin Black, makeup: Madrid Solo- Raven’s Flight- Full Set, and hairpiece: TOPAZIA- the butterflies Anderian headpieces RED
T O S H A | B E R G A N 